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Jack Daniels e-mails Jack Bauer

Dear Jack,
 
I do not come to you by chance, (to borrow the title of the book penned by Adaobi Tricia, Commonwealth prize winning writer). I’m not writing you to tell you about some inheritance stuck in some bank which I want you to help rescue (sounds like a typical Nigerian, 419 letter right?). I write because I’m Jack Daniels.
 
I don’t like talking about myself in first person. I’m the guy two guys were talking about in a current radio commercial running on radio Stations in Lagos. They forgot their worries for a moment and were arguing over what my number 7 symbol really meant: one said I married four wives, the other said things so ridiculous that I wish they were talking about the gold medal I won for being the finest at the St. Louis in 1904. Who would remember that?
 
Sure, I’m not as famous as you but that pretty much explains how well I’m known in my hood.
 
I’m writing to you because it is important, even though I’m a 160 years of whiskey kind of guy you would meet at a nightclub.
 
Oh, before I’m distracted by the urgency of the matter I’m eager to share with you, permit me to congratulate you on your recent shoot in the UK. Taking your groundbreaking series 24 to London reveals the fact that it was ahead of the time when it debuted. I’m particularly moved by your steadfastness even when your very close colleague at the CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit) Cloe O Brian is now a Hacker. You’re indeed the last hero standing.  
 
You’re the one man our great nation needs at this critical time. I know the Federal Government had sought help from the US Government and things did not go well as planned on the effort to rescue the girls who are still in bondage in the thick forest of Sambisa. This is the reason I’m writing you because things are not getting better.
 
Malala Yusuff, the Pakistani girl who was shot in the face by Taliban is now a hero like you. She is still a student but has converted her fame into a foundation that stands up for the girl child’s right to go to school. She flew into Abuja to make a huge donation to a foundation that champions girl-child education. She paid a courtesy visit to Mr. President who honored her by promising to visit the parents of the abducted girls next week. On her way to the airport, Boko Haram kidnapped her. This added salt to injury right? The Pakistani government is demanding immediate release and the Nigerian government is under the hottest of pressure. It is global drama (pun unintentional).
 
Jack, country needs you. Not America. Nigeria. Don’t wear a frown please. Okay, global brands need you. Please fly in blockbuster style and let’s have 24 Nigerian version.  Everything points to a great story with a sweet ending if you can see opportunity in this crisis. You and your current squeeze agent, Morgan who will have the CTU ad hoc office in Nigeria. A team of patriotic telcoms brands will be eager to give you all the geeky support you need. Samsung is alive and well here.  You know Nigerians love drama, we will create a sale promo around this by asking them to guess what next and win a jumbo prize. Each text message costs N100. Do the Maths Jack. Imagine how every smart brand will make product placement in relevant scenes in this 24, naija edition.
 
Here’s the master plan: you will rescue Malala and the girls. You will expose what we know: that Boko Haram is a franchise that profits any motive it is made to serve. The official narrative by the Department of State Security Services that #BringBackOurGirls must be registered because it is a franchise too, will be upheld in the story, as we will expose politicians turned activist who are using Boko Haram to be the subject of newspaper headlines. Those who mouth young people in order to be seen as the voice of their generation will be exposed, and the Boko Halal guys from ad agency Noah’s Ark? Who knows? Fingers crossed anyways. 
 
We’ll put Michael power of the Guinness fame to shame (forget the fact that we’re from the same Diageo family). Mind you’ I’m just driving an eco-system that saves the day (and make some cool buck for myself and every other brand smart enough to be involved in this story)
 
It is disaster capitalism we’re talking about. Please, switch off your conscience and sleep on it. I look forward to your YES reply, as soon as you wake up. I pray this e-mail arrives in your inbox with no eyes snooping. Let’s get back in play. Critics will call us Jack (s) of all trade but who cares? If for anything, let’s do this, for namesake sake J.
Sincerely yours
Jack Jasper Newton Daniel
 
Babatunde Adebola has the big title of an associate creative director at a leading marketing communications consultancy. He can be reached at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or at +2348137457956.